Putting Some Other Things Down...

I had an epiphany last night.

I was sitting out on a friends back porch. Everyone other than me was smoking cigarettes and I was watching the planes slowly glide through the night sky, on a flight approach to O'Hare. One of my closest friends in the world was visiting Chicago and he smoked and chatted with everyone. It seemed, at the time, that everyone there, about 4 other guys, were all talking with each other. Nobody was talking with me and that left me a little time to watch the planes land and to organize my thoughts.

None of this is relevant to my epiphany. I'm just setting the peaceful, comfortable environment that I was in, when I figured something out.

I am putting down a lot of the things that I'm currently carrying around. I am lightening my load. I am taking on no future projects for the time being. I am finishing out my current obligations to people and then doing Something Else. I don't know what that Something Else is, but I'll figure it out, given a little time.

Before I'm done here, I will...
...Continue to do the Burlesque show. Honestly, I love it. Every month, I look forward to the process. The dress rehearsals. The brunch. The show. The afterparty. The Saturdays of the BBR are the best Saturdays, once a month.

...I am continuing my work with Charming. I love the intimacy of the three person shows. I love having more control over the shape and form of a show. I love hearing the things that Bob and Stacey say and responding to them. I love exploring the worlds that we create together.

...I will direct Harz's one man show, in the Spring. I like the things that Harz has to talk about, in his show. I like the form that we've discussed. I like the final product that we want to bring to the stage. This will likely be the last show that I direct/produce for a very long time.

...I want to go back to my project for David Shepherd that I never finished and see that through. It's incredibly selfish of me to offer my time to this man, and to have him waste his remaining days, weeks and months on this planet, waiting for me. I'll likely get no credit for that work. No financial return. But it will be one of the "good things" that I will secretly be proud of.

...I will continue coaching Speed Lemon. I love those kids. And they treat me very, very well. They're all dedicated, hard-working improvisers. And they'll try anything I throw at them. By process of elimination, I'm finding the things that work for them and, I think, shaping them to be a better team. I don't know if membership at the Playground is a goal for them. If it is, I'll help them go through that process. (Although, I now have a very low opinion of what membership means and how the co-op model works. I'm personally ill when I consider the time and effort that I put into a theater that works so hard to resist improvement.)

These are the things that I do now, that I will continue doing for a while longer.

These are the things that I'm putting down...
...I am emailing the PG to notify them that I won't be performing another HIMprov show on this coming schedule. Or ever again, for that matter. Producing a show (even one that seems to last only 20 minutes) is a chore that I don't want to undertake any time soon. Besides, I feel pressured to dedicate the next show to Alison, who is moving to Texas soon to marry a lawyer. She hasn't given me any indications that she can do or wants to do the show.
Each performance is supposed to center around a single character and celebrate their eccentricities. When I offered to postpone Edison's show for a schedule to give her this one, before she left. She was unimpressed. She couldn't commit to the date or the time. And her lack of interest stays with me. It tells me that I need to let this thing go.
I'll have to email the other members of the tiny fictional troupe and let them know that the show is closed, permanently. There is no future in producing shows meant to confuse, annoy or baffle the audience.

...I can't do any more Open Court shows at the Playground. It's not that the audiences are small (which they seem to be. Averaging 20 or so players, per performance.) or that the show is unsuccessful (it's about to turn 3 in January. Who else is running a 3 year show? Except Don't Spit The Water?). It's just that I don't want to do improv, much anymore. And that means that I don't want to perform it. Standing up in the booth, bringing lights and sound up is just about all I can tolerate anymore. And that's more work, than a pleasure. My resources are tapped. I can't do that show anymore.

...I am saying "no" to pick up shows, pick up coaching sessions, picking up any new shows or teams for the time being. If I'm not already committed to it, I'm not taking it on. It's not the projects that are lacking, it's my interest in walking around on a bare stage, trying to convince some stubborn, not listening human being that I'm her husband (as she previously stated) and not the fucking mailman (which she currently seems to think that I am).

...I also need to reassess my place on my team, International Stinger. A great big part of me feels like it's time to step aside there. I am so angry about the past three weeks of missed rehearsals (each one cancelled because of no-shows, some that were presented to the group, several that were not) that I have trouble rehearsing or performing. At a time when we NEEDED to be pulling tighter together, because one team member had quit, we actually started falling apart. And only 2 people were at every cancelled rehearsal. Me and Bob. I wish it had only been Bob. I fucking hate that I'm the only one at all of those cancelled rehearsals. It tells me that I'm not getting returned, what I'm giving. And that makes me very angry at these people that I am so used to trusting and loving.
So, maybe I need to step aside, some time soon. I need to get through the sit-in process, so that their numbers are strong enough for me to leave, without the team falling apart or losing membership status at the theater. I feel like I owe them that much. Leaving wouldn't be a big "fuck you" to them. I wouldn't want it to break the team up.
Or who knows?
Maybe a little time and a little re-dedication from the members of the team will make this feel good again. Like something positive and constructive. Something that I enjoyed doing, a long time ago.

One other things that I have realized...
...I'm never holding office at the Playground, ever again. I have ZERO interest in giving so much of myself over to a theater that is so crippled by it's own founding principles and by a few fear-driven members. I can't imagine wasting my time again for a theater, that resists improvement, as much as that one does.
What's the fucking point of protecting the membership's rights to make their own decisions, when they consistently choose to do nothing and to change nothing and to improve nothing?!? What they've won is a place to pay rent and bitch about the air conditioning. And to perform montages for one another. Because there's only a cursory effort made by a few select members to actually build up an external audience base.
It makes me laugh, that the theater is called a "co-op" when I see very little "co-op(eration) between any of the member ensembles, beyond agreeing to sweep and mop, once, every two months. The authority to build, strengthen and enhance the space and the mission statement and the theater's position in the larger city is wasted there. Every day.
And I'll not be a party to that.
They can continue the slow, steady backslide on their own, without me.

I'm pulling back from the improv community.
I'm battening down the hatches and turning the sign in my window from, "Yes, we're OPEN!" to 'Come back again! We're CLOSED" and letting things sort themselves out.
Without my involvement.

I putting these things down now. In order to free my hands up, to pick up other, more meaningful pursuits, when they present themselves to me.

Mr.B